by STORM_BOLTER – vs 2 other XW Noobs (Ed and Mikey) (First trial game of X-Wing Miniatures before we start to get serious)
Luke’s drinking buddy Jeff was flying on his wing, and was indulging in a particularly tasty Ginsters pasty when the Tie’s opened fire. He saw the danger too late, and a highly flukey (but no less deadly) laser blast from an inept Academy pilot blew a hole right through his standard issue Rebel hot pants. Horrified (because they were his spangly ones), Jeff finally took evasive action against the imperial aggressors, but it was too late. The next blast hit a fuel line, and in an impossibly-large-when-there’s-no-oxygen-to-burn-in-space-but-no-one-seems-to-worry-about-that cinematic explosion, Jeff became an ex-rebel. Not because he’d had a sudden change of heart and decided to toe the Imperial party line, but because he met a grisly end in the fire ball of twisted metal that had once been his beloved x-wing fighter. Just thought I’d clarify.
Anyway, moving on. With a howl of anguish Luke put down his can of Red Bull and began to write a strongly worded letter of complaint about the whole business to his Dad. However, his concentration was shattered when, now directed at him, the continuing Imperial laser fire tore away the last of his shields with an entirely non-dramatic sort of ‘fizz’ sound, a bit Like when you open a bottle of pop. Cheap, non-branded pop. 7p for 2 litres sort of pop, that you don’t actually like but got used to ‘cos your Dad bought it when you were a kid. Anyway, I digress.
Putting down his biro and Marriott hotel notepad, he instead swung his Rebel fighter-of-awesomeness around (in some sort of cool manoeuvre that would have made you gasp had you been there to see it) and returned fire on the Imperial thugs. His aim was deadly accurate (even with his targeting computer switched off – nothing was wrong by the way, he just didn’t fancy it, that and it reminded him of the crappy Atari games machine he’d had on Tatooine) and one of the Tie’s went spinning off to its destruction. Probably. He didn’t hang around to check.
Then, the other Tie’s were upon him, and they jinked and whirled through the stars like a bad episode of Strictly Come Dancing with Ann Widdecombe. Try as he might, and not yet trained in the ways of the Force (his name was down for the training course), Luke could not shake his attackers.
The three tie’s, over-sized chrome exhausts howling, swung round in formation (ish) for a final pass at the lone x-wing. Laser cannons blaring, a lucky shot blasted a hole through the aft deck of the stricken Rebel fighter, and with a catastrophic systems failure, it died. The lifeless craft tumbled through the blackness, leaking vital fluids and stuff that under normal circumstances it shouldn’t be, that and a dozen hastily stashed family bags of Quavers and a Dime Bar. Luke frantically fought at the controls, and stabbed at the pretend buttons that made the cockpit look dead cool and impressed the Rebel chicks, but it was no use. He was now a sitting duck that the Tie’s could use for target practice, and oh boy did they need it. I mean really need it. You think Stormtroopers are crap shots, but these cowboys really took the biscuit. That of course didn’t make Luke feel any better, since they’d managed to take him out, and with him the Rebellion’s last hope. His sister was going to be spitting feathers.
Then with what was probably some sort of ‘WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW’ kind of noise that Luke couldn’t hear because of the vacuum of space (duh – someone ought to point that out to George Lucas. I’m just saying.) the Tie’s swung back around to finish him off. Closing in on the lifeless Rebel ship, Tyrone Tubthumper was about to open fire when his comm sprang to life. “ASBO squadron this is Central Command. Break off immediately and return to the Death Star. The Emperor is going out on the razz with his mates down on Coruscant and you are required to perform shuttle escort duty. Oh, and your Mum says it’s time to come in for your tea anyway. You’re having chicken Kiev. They were on 3-for-2 at Iceland.”
Luke braced himself for the inevitable end as the Tie’s bore down on him, but rather than opening fire, they shot straight past and disappeared. He didn’t understand.
He was theirs to finish off – the Rebellion would have been crushed with a single unplanned blow from the Empire, and there would never have been a need to make a follow-on filmwith those stupid Ewoks in. But, he was still alive, his attackers were gone, and Jedi training began next week so he’d soon be able to get his revenge. That is If Brian had remembered to book the hotel. Oh hell, and he had all that pre-reading to do. Maybe he should cancel and do it later. Yeah, that would be better. Now, he just had to figure a way to get back to the Rebel Fleet. If only he could fashion some rudimentary repairs to the technological marvel that was his X-wing. Maybe, just maybe if he could find a cardboard tube, some blu-tack, string, red paint, an old watch……..
Veteran Gamers UK 